Archive for June, 2011

Mr. Sunshine

Recently I have discovered something about myself, and that something is that from time to time it turns out I’m wrong about one or two things. As it turns out I have been wrong about a certain style of tee shirt. The shirt I am talking about here is the v-neck tee. I was under the impression that the v-neck was only for emotional teenagers who just aren’t understood, that or tanned men who only have three things on their minds, gym, tanning, and laundry. However on a  recent trip to Cuba I discovered that, as long as the cut is right, anyone can rock a v-neck.

we were there for seven days... not a single one of my buddies managed to take a picture of the beach

I set up a list of things  a v-neck should and should not ever do, because if there’s one thing that everyone needs when it comes to getting dressed in the morning it’s rules or guidelines. So I made my own things to look for when wearing a v-neck. These are my own rules that I made through observing not only myself, but also others.

1)      When wearing a v-neck, the cut is obviously going to be lower than other normal tees, that is after all the point of v-necks. However, the “v” in your v-neck should never go below your nipple line. I define nipple line as if you drew a line from your left nipple to your right nipple. Therefore your shirt should never be cut too low. Chances are if your v-neck does go below your nipple line then you’ve bought a girls shirt and it has been cut to make room for something that they have that men don’t. If this has happened to you, don’t bother trying to return said shirt, you’re an idiot for buying it in the first place, just cut your losses and don’t make the same mistake again.

get your shit together

2)      On the other hand, a v-neck is meant to be a low cut shirt. That being said, if you spend your days hitting the gym, tanning and doing laundry then make sure you get the right size shirt. I realize it must be awesome to have a body just jammed packed with muscles, and showing those muscles off must be pretty cool too. But please for the love of God just go one size up when picking your v-neck. From my observations I’ve noticed that most of the time GTLers have shoulders the width of a football field, and they like to wear shirts generally reserved for GAP kids stores. This is a problem when it comes to v-necks because generally when something small (v-neck from GAP kids) is put on something huge (shoulders) it stretches. This leads the “v” in your v-neck to stretch with it, and when you stretch a “v” it pretty much just disappears into a regular tee shirt, except because it isn’t meant to be a normal tee, it looks ridiculous. The usual effect is that the bottom of the “v” pulls up on the bottom of the shirt, and then leads to ones mid section being shown… which is just a terrible time. That or it looks like your shirt is strangling you.

3)      Like I said I made this list while on vacation in a tropical paradise. People on vacation are usually one of two things. 1) tanned or 2) bright red and peeling. If you find yourself the latter then you should probably avoid wearing a v-neck all together. I discovered that v-necks do not look so hot when ones chest looks like it recently caught fire. However if the only thing you brought with you on your vacation was v-neck tees then try not to wear the lighter coloured ones with the sun burn, AND STAY AWAY FROM RED, whatever you do, do not wear a red v-neck with a red chest… they don’t match.

sunscreen is a man's best friend sometimes

4)      Chest hair. All men, sorry most men, have it. If the boy scouts need a map to navigate your upper body then give it a trim before you throw on a v-neck.

you know who you are

5)      Wearing regular cut shirt under a v-neck is acceptable. Just whatever you do, make sure the two colours do not clash. Towards the end of the week I had a sun burn on my chest, and it hurt to wear a v-neck, but I was in love with them and desperately wanted to wear one my last day in paradise. So I put a normal shirt on underneath. I wore a pink undershirt with a faded purple v-neck. It looked fine… however there were others who made all kinds of stupid mistakes when picking their undershirts. My rule of thumb from now on is if you’re not sure if the two colours are going to clash then wear white underneath. Whatever you do though, do not wear an undershirt that matches your v-neck, there’s literally no point you’re just going to sweat more for none of the v-neck glory.

So those are my rules for v-necks. They’re a risky choice, but if you do it just right then they can lead to great things, just don’t get too cocky. Always remember “with great power, comes great responsibility.”